May 2009
98 posts
Swine flu got bored of this and might not update it anymore.
Swine flu called a coincidence ironic.
Swine flu likes New Yorker cartoons.
Swine flu isn’t a homophobe for saying that, it has tons of gay friends.
Swine flu mowed its yard at 8 am on Saturday.
Swine flu is reading your email over your shoulder. Right now.
Swine flu gave your information to a Cutco salesman.
Swine flu still hasn’t posted pictures from that party.
Swine flu gave you a ride to work but made you listen to NPR instead of having a conversation.
Swine flu typed LOL when it was laughing silently.
Swine flu asked you for dating advice and didn’t take it, then called you crying about its failed relationship.
Swine flu told you about the crazy dream it had last night.
Swine flu bikes to work.
Swine flu snuck its kid into the movie theater.
Swine flu tripped and pretended to turn it into a jog.
Swine flu hits space bar like 70 times to get the cursor to the middle of the page.
Swine flu lost its dry cleaning ticket and asked the cashier to spin the thing all the way around so it could find its clothes.
Swine flu RSVPed “Maybe attending.”
Swine flu will also be including an 18% gratuity, for your convenience.
Swine flu is sorry, but it can only charge one card per table.
Swine flu only wants to play lead guitar in Rock Band.
Swine flu makes you play by the official, original rules of Monopoly.
Swine flu complained about moving into a higher tax bracket.
Swine flu gave the “Here’s to honor” toast.
Swine flu made fun of you when you ordered a Stella, because it’s, like, trash in Europe.
Swine flu forwarded you that email about plastic bottles being carcinogenic.
Swine flu pulled a dried up pen out of the jar and put it right back.
Swine flu tells people who don’t like soccer that “they just don’t get it.”
Swine flu took the final exam, told everyone that it bombed it, and got an A.
Swine flu put a Mac sticker on its PC.
Swine flu put the good knife in the dishwasher.
Swine flu didn’t dress up for your theme party.
Swine flu’s profile picture has 3 people of the same gender in it, and swine flu is the least attractive one.
Swine flu insulted the waitress because the burger was medium instead of medium rare.
Swine flu wrote the “Five Dollar Footlong” jingle.
Swine flu is going to forget Mothers’ Day and not feel bad about it, not even a little.
Swine flu bought a round of shots, but they were SoCo and lime.
Swine flu thinks Marissa Tomei was deserving of her Oscar.
Swine flu asked you to help it move, but was busy when you needed a ride to the airport.
Swine flu always gives gag gifts.
Swine flu came to your party as a friend of a friend, then complained about what kind of drinks you supplied.
Swine flu flirted with your spouse at the company picnic.
Swine flu dragged its boyfriend to see Bride Wars.
Swine flu was supposed to be your ride home tonight, but it’s out somewhere and you can’t get ahold of it.
Swine flu is wearing a T-shirt for the band at their concert.
Swine flu takes the elevator one floor down.
Swine flu is upset you forgot its 3 month anniversary.
Swine flu parked its SUV in a compact spot.
Swine flu thinks that if she didn’t want it, she shouldn’t have been dressed like that.
Swine flu tells you the calorie count of your previous meal.